


Results and Consequences

by cre8iveovadose



Series: Second Chance [18]
Category: Glee
Genre: Anxiety, Dissociation, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 09:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17404733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cre8iveovadose/pseuds/cre8iveovadose
Summary: Sebastian is awaiting his last finals grade and when it arrives, the results screw with his mind in a way he hasn’t experienced in a long time.





	Results and Consequences

Sebastian was nervous. He’d been wringing his hands whenever he had a spare moment. He couldn’t remember the last time he ate proper food. The aching itch of an urge had been stuck in his arms for weeks now and he was losing it. Nick had been keeping an eye on him and they’d talked a few times but nothing stopped the anxiety that was tearing him apart from inside out. 

It was the end of the year and they had just finished finals. The gruelling wait for results was now in progress and Sebastian could feel himself growing more anxious with every passing second and refresh of his email inbox. Nick was out buying dinner or celebrating or something, Sebastian hadn’t listened. He tried flipping through magazines, playing games on his phone, watching television – he couldn't focus right now.

With one more click of the refresh button, Sebastian finally felt some of the anxiety dissipate before it came back with a vengeance as he saw the email from one of his professors.

He sat down and pulled his laptop onto his knees, hovering the mouse over the link to the email. He took several deep breaths and swallowed hard before he clicked, watching as the page loaded before he began quickly scanning through the jumble of meaningless drivel for his grade.

**97%**

Sebastian exhaled without realising it, only breathing again when his lungs began to burn, screaming for oxygen. He refocused his eyes on the email, making sure that it really said what his brain had interpreted. At the bottom of the email was a note from his professor:

**Good job. All that studying paid off. Very proud of you.**

Sebastian felt himself blush slightly. No one had said they were proud of his academic efforts in a long time. Part of him told himself that he deserved it – he’d almost died before receiving a new liver at the start of the semester anyway. He closed the window with a shake of his head before he got up and headed into the bedroom.

Glancing around, he wasn’t entirely sure why he’d gone in there. He ran his fingers through his hair before a voice in his head started whispering.

_He could have sent it to the wrong person. You didn’t study as hard as you could have. He’s probably realised his mistake and is sending an apology with your real results as we speak._

“Shut up,” Sebastian whispered to himself, shaking his head and rubbing his cheek before he set about shoving clothes back into their drawers if only to distract himself from the voice of his self-doubt.

When the floor was visible in the bedroom, Sebastian tried having a nap. He tossed and turned beneath the sheets so he kicked them off. He couldn’t get comfortable so he settled for walking around the apartment. He went back to wringing his hands.

What if the voice had been right? What if the professor had made a mistake? What if the college had made a mistake by accepting him in the first place? He’d never gotten such a high grade in his life. Not since elementary school when they’d done a test on telling the time. And that didn’t really count for anything. What if it had been a fluke? A hoax? Maybe he was a fraud.

Sebastian collapsed back onto the couch, his head falling into his hands as he curled his fingers and pulled on his hair just enough for it to hurt. The pain didn’t take away the rising fear or the already present anxiety. He hadn’t crumbled this quickly in a long time. He let his arms fall as he looked up, tears pricking the backs of his eyes as he worried his lower lip between his teeth and tried to find a distraction.

He couldn’t cave. Not after everything everyone had done for him. Not since everything had been going so well.

But it had all been so _close_. He’d been so close to what he had been chasing for so long and then they pulled him away from it again. Sebastian was grateful to the doctors and nurses and Nick for saving him but he’d been so close to never having to feel again. Being alive had its moments and being with Nick was more than he could ever ask for. But feeling alone and isolated and inadequate and like it was all some act of fraudulence made it so much harder to cope.

Sebastian knew he was dissociating but he couldn’t pull himself out of it. His hands felt tingly and he moved without thinking about it. Sounds echoed around him as if they were coming from miles away and everything he touched felt alien and dulled. Some noise that was louder almost broke through the haze surrounding him and he felt himself shiver before someone slapped something out of his hands.

There was a loud voice near his ear that slowly became crisper and as Sebastian searched for whomever it belonged to, a sharp pain crept along his nerves.

“Ow…” he managed before his eyes finally focused and he found Nick leaning over him, hands gripped around Sebastian’s wrist.

“Seb, can you hear me? What happened?” Nick asked, alarmed and not looking up from Sebastian’s arm.

“What are you doing, Nick?” Sebastian asked instead.

Nick quickly looked to Sebastian, confusion clouding his features. “Seb, what happened? Have you taken something?”

“N-No… I got the email with my finals grade from my professor, and then I was cleaning the bedroom to distract myself and then … I don’t remember,” Sebastian frowned as well then. He glanced around to find himself on the floor of the bathroom, leaning back against the bathtub. “Oh god, how did I get in here? I don’t remember. I was – I just-” Sebastian looked down at his arms as Nick finally pulled away. Nick’s hands were covered in his blood, the dark red staining his shirt and jeans as well. How could he have not noticed himself doing this?

“Don’t worry about it, Sebastian. We’ll figure this out,” Nick murmured as he reached up for a cloth. Sebastian could feel the concern and apprehension radiating from his boyfriend and he didn’t know how to react.

If he was dissociating this badly then what did the ensuing summer have in store?


End file.
